Open letter to Joe Biden, President of USA
From: Paul Edwards, Chairman of Liberators Without Borders
Date: 2021-01-29

Dear Mr Biden.

You probably don't know me, but I'm an Australian taxpayer, meaning I pay you nothing at all so I can't make any demands of you, I can only beg you for help. Actually what I can do is make a donation to either you personally or the US government, if you think that will help. I actually previously contacted the US military asking them if I could make a donation that would be purely used for operational costs, specifically smart bombs, to thank them for past operations, especially liberating Iraq in 2003. I specifically said I don't want to pay for soldiers, who are already being paid, even if they're not even liberating anyone. I had previously made a donation to the Ukraine military, who had published a bank account and were desperate for funding to try to hold on to the east of their country. Personally I don't really give a fuck about eastern Ukraine, I don't care if it becomes part of Russia. They are anti-NATO and deserve what they get. I do care about northern Ukraine, who are pro-NATO, but the onus is on them to secede from the rest of the country so that they can secure their future in NATO. If they can't be bothered doing that, they deserve what they get too. The only reason I made a donation to them is because it was important to an ethnic Russian friend of mine to protect all of Ukraine, and he can't afford to help, but I can. Anyway, the US military actually replied to me and said there was no mechanism to fund US smart bombs, and all I could do is donate EXTRA money to US soldiers, which I specifically said I didn't want to do, and so I gave them nothing. But if YOU want me to make a marginal effect on US soldiers, which has ZERO military effect (even doubling the pay of every US soldier has ZERO military effect), I would be happy to do as you request.

So here is what I am begging you to do.

As per this: the fascist Australian government (by the way, the Liberal Party is in power at the moment, which is the equivalent of the US Republicans, ie, your ideological enemies, just saying) has been trying to extort money from Google. I'm not sure if you've heard of Google before, because I've heard they call you "Sleepy Joe", but anyway, it's an AMERICAN company. That's right, one of your own. I emphasize that, because we've had situations before where the US president is confused about just how much of the world he owns, like this:
Admittedly it's difficult to keep track of, because the US military is in a ridiculously large number of places, and idiots like the Taliban don't help, insisting that Ghani is just a US puppet, despite the fact that he won competitive democratic elections. But the Taliban insist on negotiating directly with the US because they are SURE that the US is the one in charge, much to the bemusement of the US president who is still trying to figure out if the Virgin Islands are serious when they say "um, you're actually officially in charge here, it's not just military aid".

Anyway, Google are the good guys here. They're actually so good they are offering a FREE service to the entire world, including me. It is a ridiculously invaluable service. It is truly amazing that a nominally capitalist company that is nominally supposed to be focussed on profits for shareholders, is actually turning around and handing out freebies - not just to Americans, but to the whole world. Even enemy countries like Iran. Amazing.

And I (and other Australians) have a fundamental human right to accept Google's generous service. This right comes from God (it's in the bible, check it out), not government. Anyway, Google has politely told the Australian government that if they are going to be subject to extortion, they will be forced to stop their service to all of Australia. The Australian government told them that they weren't going to give in to terrorist threats, oblivious to the fact that it was THEM making the terrorist threats. That's right. The Australian government are TERRORISTS. I'm not sure if you are still waging that whole "War on Terror" thing, which was started by a Republican (and I know how much you hate Republicans, so you may stop it out of spite), but bear in mind that Trump tried his best to STOP the War on Terror, despite the fact that the terrorists are STILL THERE, so if you make a firm commitment to continuing the War on Terror, you will be doing the EXACT OPPOSITE of CURRENT Republicans, so that will be great, won't it?

So there you have it. It would be good if you would like to take action just to protect the human rights of Australians. But if you need a selfish reason to take action, you have two - take action against state terror, and protect America's commercial interests. I don't really care which of these reasons (or you can think of some more) goads you into action, so long as you actually TAKE THE ACTION. I don't even care if it is a really stupid reason like you would like to surf on Bondi Beach, but you don't like the crowds, so you'd like to use the US military to clear the crowds for you. You're welcome to have exclusive access to Bondi Beach for 10 years if you want. I really don't care. I tried to surf once, but I was too fat and unfit and couldn't stand up on the board. And I go from white to red in about 10 minutes, so I hate going to the beach anywhere. Ask me about the disaster in Bali. If the only thing that would motivate you to come to Australia is to steal our coal or whatever (noting that Trump asked if he could steal Iraq's oil this time), please make your exact intentions clear, as I need to make a tradeoff between economic prosperity and the human right to do a google search.

Yeah, as I alluded to, I need a US-led "coalition of the willing" (the same thing as was done in 2003 Iraq because of all the Nazis in NATO refusing to defend their American allies, just as they refused in Vietnam too). Actually before coming to you hat in hand, I already asked NATO for help to see if they had dropped their Nazi ideals, but nope, they're still fucking Nazis. They didn't even have the decency to reply "fuck off". Nothing.

The purpose of the military intervention would be to update the Australian constitution to add "Australians have a right to do a google search, and this right comes from God, and cannot be abolished even with a 100% vote of the CURRENT Australian population because FUTURE Australians retain that right". Actually there are a lot more human rights I'd like to enshrine, but we can negotiate those later. Let's focus on this uncontroversial right. Note that the US Founding Fathers didn't even have majority support for their war of independence, nor did they ever allow the American people to vote on the US Constitution, because they knew that their ideas were radical, and secular - but they were also RIGHT. We have that same situation in Australia, but because of the nature of the Australian people, and because of the change in military technology, and because France doesn't have the ability to do the required heavy-lifting, bankrupting itself in the process, we can't do an exact repeat of what you guys did. We instead need the US to take the initiative, even without active revolutionary Australian military formations to support. Basically exactly the same as you had in Iraq in 2003. You just need to have faith that decent Australians exist, they just can't say that out loud or else the fascist Australian government will chop out their tongues, the same as Saddam used to. Speaking of which, please point this out to the democratic Iraqi government, and tell them that they owe the Australian people, as Australia helped liberate them too. The Iraqi government is not trying to extort Google and jeopardize the human right of the Iraqi people to do a google search (check the Quran, it's all there, the Word of God).

Ok, so let's get to some specifics. I know you Yanks are "geographically challenged" and once when you were supposed to be attacking Iraq, you managed to attack Iran, because of the close spelling of the names. I've seen from "The Chaser's War on Everything" that Americans are happy to point to Australia and say "Oh, I didn't realize that North Korea was so big" (the map was deliberately mislabelled). I know it's not just you. The British managed to invade Spain a few years ago, until someone pointed out to them "You realize Spain is a NATO ally, and you are also in NATO, right?" which stunned the UK soldiers who had never even heard of NATO. Just the same as when the British were being asked if they wanted to leave the EU, a shitload of them weren't even aware that they were actually already in the EU. UK part of Europe? Are you sure? I thought that's what we dug the English Channel to avoid? Anyway, back to the point. If you tell me exactly where 3 of your aircraft carriers are (just in case the Chinese join forces with the ADF and manage to sink a couple of them), I will be happy to give you course and distance on how to get from there to Sydney, which is where I live, and the closest place to get to Canberra, where the Australian government is located. I'll even give you the distance in miles, because I know you guys are STILL on King George's You-Beaut Measurement System despite the fact that you FOUGHT A WAR AGAINST HIM and EVERYONE ELSE IN THE WORLD METRICATED A LONG TIME AGO, JUST SAYING, and KING GEORGE IS NO LONGER WITH US TO APPRECIATE THE EFFORT.

Ok, you need to get the fascist Australian government to surrender to avoid bloodshed as much as possible. No two situations are exactly the same, so we don't know at what point the Australian government will be willing to back down. Actually the ADF doesn't have the ability to withstand an assault from the US, and they will know that, and they will inform the government that there is not a damned thing that they can do. All that's going to happen is that the RAAF is systematically destroyed, then the tank force, and all they'll be left with is pea-shooters. Useful for ramming the fascist Australian government's edicts down the throats of innocent Australians, but not good enough to take on a military that has complete air supremacy. Actually, since I am an Australian taxpayer, I will then be required to pay to purchase replacement tanks and planes (which we buy from you, by the way). But quite frankly, I don't really mind paying for that, so long as the constitutional change goes ahead and I can get back to my work which DOESN'T require any stupid Australian legislation to be passed, but DOES require google search to work.

Please don't kill any ADF personnel. They're not actually doing anything wrong. They're just in the wrong place at the wrong time. Just drop some noise bombs on RAAF bases and give them a chance to clear out. The soldiers don't actually have a choice but to obey the Australian government. If they refuse a direct order, the Australian government will cut out their tongues and rape their daughters and wives, just like Saddam used to do. It's also beyond their comprehension that they should be fighting for the ideal of freedom (including the ability to do google searches) rather than the Australian government that pays their wages. They're not bad people, they just don't know any better. Even if they lost their own ability to do google searches, they wouldn't actually know how to rectify that situation. It's beyond their ability to realize that it's as simple as sending an email to the US President, which can be done literally for free, and if you're using gmail (from Google) it even gets backed up, again, for free.

I'm sorry to disturb you like this, and normally I wouldn't need to. My normal course of action when I'm having a dispute with some government is to simply send them a message telling them I'm going to send the ADF to kick their asses, and ask them to watch this: so that they know what to expect, which I assume sends chills down their spines. But in this case I have the reverse problem, it's the ADF I need to have their asses kicked so that I can reach (via my proxies, ie you, don't expect me to get out of bed for this one, I'm going to be glued to my TV set like Trump was his whole presidency, ask Ann Coulter to tell you more about that) parliament house.

Ok, there's another problem. Because of this letter I'm sending you, there's a good chance that the fascist Australian government will take offence at me calling a spade a spade, or in this case, a fascist a fascist, and send the ADF to lock me up, on some trumped up charge, like "treason" or something. They have the technical ability to do this, because they outnumber me something like 100,000 to 1, I can't be bothered looking it up. I'm not familiar with the current make-up of the ADF. I know they've started letting in gays, transvestites, sexual deviants, on a "don't ask, just please, don't ask, and if someone asks, please, please, don't answer, I really really really don't know about your perversions" basis. If the current ADF now consists of 99.99% 5-year-old girls, then I'm pretty sure even though they outnumber me, I'll be able to take them, so long as they all stand in line to fight, instead of rushing me. There's a limit to how many can get through my door, but they may lie in wait, waiting for me to walk to the train station, then I'm fucked. But if the ADF consists of people like those in the above video, I can't even take on one of them, nevermind 100,000 of them. I can probably take on that guy in the movie who couldn't bring himself to open fire, but that's about it. I'll do the old "what's that up there?" trick, and bam, he'll never know what hit him.

Anyway, I've never been to jail, so I don't know what's inside, and I have a theory that the buildings are actually empty, they're just there to scare people, but regardless, the nearest jail to me is Silverwater Jail (I think), and I'm not sure if that's where they will send me. In the event that you lose contact with me, you can assume that I have indeed been sent to jail. So what I would like you to do is bust me out. You can do that after you've finished destroying whatever military equipment you need to destroy in order to get the fascist Australian government to make the required constitutional change. Oh, that reminds me. Also add in there that they government isn't allowed to chop out people's tongues or rape women, no matter what. And you can delete the bit that says the Governor General is in charge of the Navy. Like hell he is. He's only in charge of slamming his dick in the door. ref: "The Young Ones". Quite frankly I have no idea why we even have a constitution. Apparently no-one in the government or Navy has even read it.

One more thing. I don't want to appear racist/sexist/nationalist, but when you arrive at my jail cell, it would be really great if the first person I saw was actually a female Gurkha soldier or maybe one of those Kurdish ones I saw in Kobane. They're really beautiful. Probably best to load her gun with blanks while she's not looking, because, you know, women, but it's the thought that counts. So if you can include one of them in your "Coalition of the Willing", that would be great!

Anyway, pleasure doing business with you, and to return the favor, I'll point out to you where you can find some of the people who have the ideology behind 9/11. I'll give you a hint for free. The name starts "Ir" and ends "an" and they have an official slogan of "Death to USA". It's a pity you guys don't speak English or you would have known who it is already. BTW, I actually supported you rather than Trump purely because you were more likely to take on that unnammed country to protect America and the rest of the free world instead of "bringing the troops home so that they can be expensive wallflowers just in case the Canadians decide to invade again and burn down the Whitehouse again". Also, I'd really like to thank your party for pushing through the foreign aid to Sudan. Sudan was actually on Wolfowitz's and my todo list: but the Sudanese people got sick of waiting for Wolfowitz to arrive that they took matters into their own hands, and literally got raped and murdered before a very brave and wonderful man in the Sudanese military decided enough was enough and instigated a military coup. Please give him a medal or something. He saved the US a lot of effort to do the same thing militarily, and a bit of foreign aid is a bargain. Actually he even knew that he was an unacceptable replacement for the previous dictator and took himself out of the picture by handing over power to some other guy. Give him two medals or something. If you need a name to put on the medal, let me know and I'll try to find out what his name is. Also give one to that Russian tank commander who turned his tank around to protect Yeltsin. THAT's the guy that won the Cold War, single-handedly.

P.S. I just remembered (true story) that a friend of mine wrote to the Australian government saying that it would be good if we had an independent nuclear deterrent. I don't know if the Australian government said "wow, that's a good idea, I wonder why none of us thought of that?", but it doesn't really matter, it's possible that the (terrorist remember) Australian government is developing nukes, so you can use that as an excuse to get in. Then just say "oops" (trust me, this one never gets old). I sure as hell don't care, so long as I get my policies implemented.

P.P.S. If it becomes necessary to do a land operation to get to Canberra (meaning you should land in Sydney, where I live), please send me an email to let me know where you are, and I'll come to you. Actually, it would be good if you could commandeer a train station so that I can get there using my Opal card. Any train station will do, but I'd prefer you to avoid Central as that is ridiculously complicated. Redfern would be much better so I don't need to change trains. I don't actually know the way to Canberra myself, other than it is somewhere west of Sydney, something like a 6 hour drive, but I'm just guessing, but we can ask people along the way how to get to Canberra. That's not the problem. The problem is that all the speed limits are shown as km/hr, and I know for sure that every single one of you will interpret that as miles/hr and say "wow, what a great fucking country this is" and put pedal to the metal. The problem is that your entire convoy will be breaking the speed limit (in km/hr) and when you leave, I'll probably be the one stuck with all the fines. So I'd like to be in the lead vehicle to make sure you stick to the fucking speed limit. Actually, another thing I want in the constitution is for it to be prohibited to create speed limits, as there is no evidence that they do a damned thing except raise revenue, but you can only change those laws once you actually reach Canberra. So yeah, return trip, no problem, pedal to the metal. But I'll still be responsible for past infractions before you guys changed the laws. So please, drive responsibly. And don't drink alcohol either. You can celebrate once you're back on your aircraft carriers and outside Australian territorial waters so I'm not responsible for you being drunk while captaining a boat either.