Dear Mr Trump.
I know the glorious Islamic Emirate of Afghanistan signed a peace treaty with you that required us to sit down with your puppet Afghan regime, which in good faith we did, but that was before we found out that your puppets are the most tedious people on the fucking planet. We've spent FOUR FUCKING MONTHS blocked on the issue "how to deal with blocks". What would YOU do if that was YOU?
Anyway, we have made a decision to abandon the so-called "peace process" (more like "drawing blood from a stone process"). That means technically we are at war with you again, over that whole "invasion of Afghanistan" thing. Actually, we could forgive that, but unfortunately there is a new issue which we simply can't forgive. This link: https://www.cia.gov/library/publications/the-world-factbook/ is giving a "404 Error" because the fucking pricks at the CIA decided to make a "change for change's sake" (you should have taken away their fucking budget!) and replaced a very useful resource with an absolutely crappy replacement. I note that someone else has already reported this and politely asked them to put the old website back, but we both know that the CIA has no intention of listening to reason. What next? They'll be first on the ground in Afghanistan attacking innocent Muslims? And yes, I acknowledge that it is a free service, and I'm not even a US taxpayer, but still, since when was it a crime to be entitled? What the fuck are you going to do? Bomb us?
So for both of the above reasons, we are officially resuming our war with the infidel USA. We are supremely confident that we can defeat you in mainland USA, and once we get there, and fix the CIA debacle, we will also be changing your electoral system to have Instant Runoff Voting, also known as "preferential voting" as the infidel Australians like to call it (and use it). You clowns are too fucking stupid to implement this on your own. It allows third parties to arise, so that the American people aren't permanently stuck with the Republican and Democrat clowns.
Note that some of my comrades counselled that it was unwise to open a second front with the US when we had already agreed to wage war on Thailand and Australia, but I just told them "Insha'Allah" ("God willing" for you stupid infidels that don't speak Arabic) and they quickly fell into line. Except for one lone voice who said "Hmmm, if God is on our side, why did he allow fucking bucketloads of us to die in the US aerial assault in 2001, and for all capital cities to fall in a matter of weeks?", but he was clearly just into the magic mushrooms again. The fact is that as soon as the Muslim hordes arrive and burn down the fucking Whitehouse (even the fucking CANADIANS managed to do that!), the American infidels will run for their fucking lives like sissy boys. One thing I'd like to know though. Is it really fucking worth all this bloodshed just so that you can "deny Mohammad"? Specifically what's in it for you to do that? You do realize that some sects of Islam (like the Mu'tazilah) even allow you to eat your precious bacon burgers?